you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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