Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize