did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
3pm strippers are depressing
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
