Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
