What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
