you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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