i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
