What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
