i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
