I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
