I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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