I didn't shave. On purpose
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
