Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
