This girl is more easily done than said...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Randomize
