lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize