I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
