I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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