I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
