Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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