Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
