I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Two words: nipple clamps
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