That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Holy shit dude........stairs
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
