I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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