I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
