You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
