she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
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