Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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