Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
