The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
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