Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
