the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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