who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
