Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
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