My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
