Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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