On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
