I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
