I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
