sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
