i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She bit a glass in half.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
