i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
My balls are so social today.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
