what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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