i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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