Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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