Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
