I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
