well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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