Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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