I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
