I met the friendliest cop last night
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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