let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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