Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
