I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Randomize
