we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
