I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
