i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize