Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
