when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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