you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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