MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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