There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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