sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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