you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
